Some reasons why I cry

I've decided some reasons why I cry, especially about my son, (and I'll just cry by writing this) are that I have always set goals for myself regarding him, and when I reach those goals without having an outlet or a subsequent goal for myself, I feel let down, and then I feel sad, and then I cry for a little while. I guess it's just feeling sorry for myself, and a little sad that an era in my life has ended, without giving myself a new goal to head for. I'm working on new goals about things right now!

When Zach graduated from high school, I was so proud to go to his graduation. His dad and I were divorced by that time. My mom and dad were there, but they went home right away afterwards, and Zach wanted to go to parties that were being held at various people's houses. His party was set for a few days later. I went home by myself, and cried and cried. I got over it pretty quick, getting him into college, and going on with life.

Then he moved out and left home, and frankly, I was kind of glad to have him move out and be on his own. He was right here in the same town, and I saw him nearly every day or so for awhile.

Then he got married, and I got on with my life, and didn't worry too much about him, believing that he was married, and happy, and it wasn't for me to worry about anymore. That turned out not to be true, and he had gotten into a relationship that was lacking. Unfortunately, his wife had some problems that he thought he could fix. Famous last words that all of us who've been in the same situation fully understand. Something better learned sooner than later...we can't change another person. Either get 'em the way you want them for the rest of your life, or don't get 'em!!

The family tried very hard to love this woman, because Zach loved her, but it was very difficult. I later learned the extent of her problems, and the best way I can describe it is, "remember the movie, Misery?" She did everything but break his legs to keep him. It's a shame that she doesn't think better of herself, but I believe she truly believes no one would love her...and she may be right...unless she keeps them prisoner. She wouldn't allow him to fix his vehicle, insisting he could drive hers. She wouldn't let him get a "real job" insisting that he work at his "craft" of glassblowing. Though he did sell some of his art, it brought in very little money.

After about 2 and a half years, he finally fled from the relationship, having acquired  an obsessive-compulsive disorder in the process. Fortunately for him, that wore off, and he has been cured of it. He has grown and gained greatly after he removed himself from that situation. Unfortunately for me (just joking) he no longer arrives at my house and immediately begins vacuuming the whole house! Perhaps the vacuuming was originally to drown out the strident voice of his soon-to-be-ex-wife. But by the time I learned of it, it had become a deep concern for any sign of dirt on the floor whatsoever.

The first thing I told him when he moved out of his marital residence was that I would be happy to let him move back, but I thought it would be best if he found someplace else to live. He moved in with the friend with whom he is making a movie. He rescued some of his pre-marital monies from the marriage and used most of it to live on until he found a job, and until he could get a vehicle. After he left her, he was also unable to continue earning money from glassblowing, and he had no vehicle.

He got himself a job here in town, and worked hard at it for several months. During the break-up of the marriage he had gone to California to visit with his dad a couple of times, and had been toying with the idea of moving out there to go to college. He also learned he could get a job with the same company he works for now once he got out there...if they had any openings.

When he suddenly announced that he and a friend were going to move out to California, I was suddenly sad. I didn’t want him to leave, and I certainly didn’t want him to leave the day before Thanksgiving. That’s what it turns out he did. We had our family Thanksgiving early both for him, and for my niece, who had to work today. But then he probably will spend Christmas with his Father in California. I shouldn’t feel bad about that because in the years since I divorced his father, he has spent every Christmas with me and my family. Perhaps, however, for that very reason, I feel very sad. Christmas and tradition are very important to me.

The first Christmas I moved to California in September, and I didn’t make it home for Christmas that year either. It was a very weird Christmas with a fake tree made of tumble weeds painted green. But it was an adventure. I have to believe Zach will be having adventures, and that he will grow and become a successful man. I am already very proud of him. On the one hand, I am happy that he is moving on in his life and working, belatedly (just like his mother) to acquire the rest of his education, and that he is still searching for his calling (it took me a few years to discover I was really a writer). I can only love him and encourage him and never make him feel guilty that it makes me sad. I’ll get over it.

I cry for other reasons too, but I’m going to cry a lot when I miss my son. My kitty is wondering why I keep picking him up and hugging him, and then get him all wet by crying.

Well, okay, now here are some other reasons I cry. I always cry when I hear the Star-Spangled Banner, and America the Beautiful. I cry when the flag goes by in a parade. I cry when I hear marching bands.  I cry when I see fireworks.  I cry when I see rainbows.

Okay, now I am going to get busy and set some goals for myself. The first one is to hopefully have my novel finished by my birthday on February 12.   You can send me roses for my birthday.  I love red or pink roses.  And since it's just a couple days before Valentines Day, anything with hearts on it really turns me on too.  P.S.  It will make me cry.