So long as I can remember I’ve had a problem with committing to relationships with others. It’s not that I don’t like other people, and don’t want to be with other people but perhaps it’s the idea that I’ve had a fear of.... well.... commitment. But once I get into a relationship, romantic or business, I tend to stick with it.
My father stated it well, “Jana has never known how to trap a man and hasn’t a clue why she should need to do so.” Perhaps that’s the clue. If someone wants to be with you shouldn’t it be their decision to make? And shouldn’t it be my decision whether I want to be with them or not?
Marriage proposals have been problematic for me. The ones I did accept didn’t turn out so well. And two I did accept were because I was "on the rebound" from another relationship. Luckily I didn't go through with them. I remember going steady in high school and wearing another person’s class ring, but I wouldn’t let anyone know who I was going steady with. It isn’t even that I can’t be faithful to someone. I never cheated on anyone I was married to, nor anyone I went steady with. Once I was in a relationship that worked for me I would be faithful.
Probably a part of it has to do with my never having planned anything up until I was 25 years old. Up until then I’d never thought about it. I didn’t know I could plan my life. I learned I could plan my life when I was about 21 or 22, but didn’t really actively plan anything about my life until a good ten years later. I sort of lived my life accidentally.
I didn’t choose to be a paralegal. I accidentally became a legal secretary as my second job right out of high school. I listed that job on my resume thereafter, and everytime an employment agency would see that, they would send me out to get a job as a legal secretary. Then I accidentally became a paralegal when I went to work in California. I did enroll in paralegal classes in California and did become certified as a paralegal there, but only to learn to be more effective in the job I already had. I didn’t actually plan on taking those courses. Life just sort of happened to me, and I ended up taking law courses because my boss was appointed to the bench, not because I planned to become a lawyer. I learned more than I ever wanted to know about torts and contracts. Then life happened and I ended up back in Indiana again working as a paralegal!
I have been accused of being “manipulative” by a couple of people in the past, and it always astonishes me, because I don’t even “manipulate” my own life. If something is supposed to happen in your life, it does.
When I made mistakes in the past I would educate myself so that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. But I never considered that a plan of action or a way to manipulate anyone else. I am a pragmatist, and I notice patterns in life. Perhaps subconsciously I use that knowledge of patterns, particularly in the behavior of others, to dictate how I communicate with others. Perhaps everyone does this.
I have observed there are people of evil intent who do actively scheme to hurt others. It has been my practice to refrain from doing anything that would harm another. My grandmother told me it was wrong to gossip about others. I will never “turn someone in” for anything I perceive to be a wrong action, unless that wrong action has harmed me or my family.
At any rate I’ve never planned on doing anything to force another person to do anything for my own well-being. I’ve always known it wasn’t right to do such a thing. It always hurts me when people accuse me of having done so, and always comes as a surprise. Living life accidentally may be considered by some as being impractical or silly or reckless, but it has never lead me astray. Life lived accidentally is an adventure.
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